30 - Post 4

My reservations about being a child free woman.

There are many experiences in my life that have brought me to the decision to not have children in my twenties and maybe not ever. My childhood impacts this a lot, the mess that the medical industry is, what I see with other people and their children. The media and culture is a big one, my family medical history and money. There’s so many factors against me that point toward me failing as a mother that I don’t want to risk it.

I was mothering other children starting at the age of 6 or 7. My parents were very young, wild and wanted to be free. On nights my mom wasn’t home I had to learn how to feed myself and my siblings. If I didn’t make us food, my dad told us to just have whatever snacks we wanted. When my parents would fight drunkenly in the middle of the night, breaking glass, screaming and being scary, I would take my siblings into my room and into my bed with me. We were ages 3, 6 and 8. When I was 9 my Dad was away on a work trip, my mother’s grandmother had died and we were almost 1,000 miles away from family. My mom told me to pack up some things and get into the car (wasn’t hard to do because everything I owned was already in a black garbage bag because my Mom told me we were going away regularly so I never unpacked) . My mom, brother and I left on a journey from Michigan to Connecticut just to be cut short for reckless driving in a construction zone on a highway. We got arrested, put in cop car, brought to the police station and were processed. The cop was really cool though, he was able to call my Dad and they decided together to put my mom, brother and I in a hotel until my Dad came to get us the next day.

I left my parents on my 10th birthday to live with my grandparents. I spent the first 10 years of my life watching my mom cry her eyes out day after day. I literally watched her become an alcoholic. I could see the life slipping out of her at less than 10 years old. I built up such a hate for my Father because I blamed him for what was happening to her. She started only responding to her first name and never “mom”. She didn’t like to have hugs and kisses, she wasn’t the kind of mom you could just walk up to and cuddle. She didn’t like to play barbies (I remember one time my whole childhood of us playing together). Sometimes she would disappear for weeks at a time and I would cling to a beauty and the beast painting she gave me until she came back. Looking back on it now, I don’t blame her. I honestly feel lucky that I still have her. A lot of people in the situation she was in wouldn’t have the mental capability to survive. I knew as a child that her life would be easier without us. I was a smart kid, I eavesdropped and asked a lot of questions constantly. I knew my mom and dad only got married because they were pregnant with me. The first time my parents sat me down and told us they were getting a divorce I blamed myself. I didn’t want my family to split up. I told myself I could have controlled my sister and brother better, I could have fought less and cleaned more. I never wanted to live with my Dad and since he was most proud of my brother I knew he would take him. Our lives were a mess when I was a child, I didn’t get to grow up with my siblings and I watched my Mother deteriorate.

I have no idea how a childhood is supposed to go. I determined through talking it out with my counselor that this is the reason I love following Mom blogs even tho I don’t plan to become one. I specifically follow accounts where the Mothers have young daughters. I see relationships and love that I never got to experience. The circumstances of my parent’s lives ripped the chance of having the dream mother-daughter relationship I have longed for my entire life. I didn’t get to be a kid, I rushed growing up much as I could so that I could be the one in control of my life.

Another reason why my family makes me not want to have children is the relationship I’ve witnessed between my Grandmother and her children. My Grandmother is the most loving, giving and forgiving person you will EVER meet. She has done everything for her children over and over and all they do is hurt her and put her in terrible situations. Her love for them is so deep that she doesn’t even realize that she is killing herself by continuing to let them take up space in her head and heart constantly. I’ve watched her in hospital beds from having anxiety attacks so bad, the result of something her children did. From an outside perspective I can see that she would be happier and healthier if she would cut these people out of her life or at least set boundaries. I can’t believe that it’s possible for a woman to be such a good person and birth children and then love them to pieces just for them to become assholes and treat her like shit. THIS IS TERRIFYING to me, I don’t want to take this chance.

The medical industry is such a big problem. I have a hard time with vets and my own doctors, I cant imagine having to deal with a Dr. for a child that I created. I have done extensive research and taken many classes about the medical industry. The industry is 100% about wallets and not humans. You can call this a conspiracy all you want but it’s fact. The people who work in the medical industry under doctors aren’t even allowed to administer life saving medication with out a Dr. sign off - can you imagine what other things are happening with them hidden from the public eye? I was given a medication by a Dr. Once that I felt uneasy about, just to come to find out that it was a sample she needed to give out to get prescriptions and she got a benefit from the drug company for it. IT MADE ME VERY SICK. She prescribed this medication because she had to meet a quota, not because she wanted to help me. The vaccines argument is a hard one too. I remember hearing stories in the 90s about people getting crazy rare side effects from vaccines. It’s not new news, it’s one medication that’s identical at the time (depending on the strands its meant to fight) of being administered and it’s given like that to every human. I know as a country we have the money and resources to do more testing to make vaccines safer for everyone, why isn’t that happening? I’m not saying that I am yay or nay for vaccines causing autism or any other issues, I’m telling you fact that this has been a problem for decades. I researched both sides of that debate extensively, and I see from both sides. I don’t know the right answer so I don’t want to be put in the situation where I could make the wrong decision. One time as a child my Pediatrician office asked if I wanted to be involved in a double blind study and if I said yes, I got money every 2 weeks for the duration of the study. MY CAREGIVER APPROVED THIS! WHAT THE HELL! I still to this day have no idea what was in that shot or what the study was for. That’s really bad, I would never let a child of mine be involved in a double blind study, but the fact that bribing children with money for big Pharma is allowed at the pediatrician is crazy to me.

Then there’s the issues of child birth! It’s been proven that not cutting the cord before 30 minutes and not cleaning the baby off right away, rather just letting it have skin contact with the mom are very important for the child’s long term health. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS BY DEFAULT FOR EVERY CHILD BORN IN A PUBLIC HOSPITAL?! They immediately cut the cord, clean the baby off and administer un-needed medication like an antibiotic to make sure the baby doesn’t contract any STDs the mother could have…WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!? I don’t think I need to explain to you why this is all scary. I want NOTHING to do with this. I’ve read about Moms saying they don’t want the cord cut right away, don’t clean off the baby and don’t administer antibiotics JUST to be met with a Dr. who fights her about it, even when they are open and specific for months about their birth plan. I know myself, and if someone were to tell me they knew better for my child than I do in these situations, I’d grab the placenta and shove it down the Dr.s throat. So rather than deal with that terrible situation, my uterus will remain vacant.

Other people. Other people are a huge reason why I don’t want to bring a child into this world. There are a lot great people in this world, but unfortunately the bad ones are louder. Kids are horrible to each other these days. Parents don’t see that they are the ones directly causing their child’s behavior. Raising a child is the hardest thing anyone could ever do. You are taking a brand new living thing that you not only have to physically keep safe and help grow, but mentally as well. A person that has the potential to change the world (as we all do). I don’t think that the majority of our population is fit for parenting, I’d go so far as to say maybe 15-20% of our entire population are good enough people and mentally healthy enough to successfully raise a child.

I strongly believe in the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.”. Building relationships with other people who are not like you and who think differently and have different interests is crucial to building empathy into your characteristics. I don’t live in a place or situation where I would be able to provide these kinds of relationships for my child. I don’t even know anyone IRL who believes this, or ever talks about it or who strives to provide this in their child’s life - UNLESS they are very rich. I’m not rich and I couldn’t provide everything I would want my child to have and I don’t live in a place where there would be community support to help mold the child into a well rounded global citizen.

This might piss a lot of people off but there is literally no part of me that thinks a country that votes in someone like Trump as President is a safe place to raise a child. He is a terrible person. He has LITERALLY ON PURPOSE made his public image through the fact that he steps on other people to get what he wants, and doesn’t care. He’s a sketchy business man who will cancel companies, fire employees and remove any feeling of security from people under him for his own benefit. He intentionally womanizes, supports racists and lies. He stated he wished that Americans would treat him like a dictator. Like, no. Sorry, this is not the time or place for me to introduce a new life.

Money is a huge factor in my choice to be child free. It’s very obvious and easy to see if a kid comes from a rich or poor family. I didn’t go on a vacation for the first time until I was in my 20s. I got a passport and traveled out of the country for the first time at 28. I have never been to Disney, I didn’t get to do sports in school, no after school activities and I never had big parties for my birthday (until I was 16, I insisted on one). It wasn’t in the cards for my family, but you bet that I noticed it as a kid. Having things and doing things is important as a kid because what happens during those years determines who and how you grow into an adult. I don’t want to have a child who has to go without because I don’t have enough money for it. There’s so much that is unfair for poor kids and I just will not ever put anyone through the things I went through as a kid. I would need the money to put my child through school because public school would 100% be out of the question. I would want to take yearly vacations, have them join all the clubs and sports they want - provide them as many possibilities they can to grow as a human. If I can’t do these things, then I don’t want to bring another human into this world. I think it would be irresponsible and selfish to both that child and the world to add to it when you are not completely capable of making them a positive addition.

To be extremely clear, these are the reason why I personally decided to not have children. I hold myself to a very high and specific standard in all areas of life. I know how bad childhood can be, so I am extremely strict about this personal decision. Nothing in this post means that I am judging other people’s decisions. Becoming a parent is a very deeply emotional and soul searching decision that I believe every individual has the right to.

Would I love to have a kid? Hell ya I would but this isn’t about me, it would be about that child. I know what it is like to be stuck with a family who is not prepared for a kid, and I don’t ever want to be any part of that situation ever again. The age of childbearing women has been going up from late teens into twenties now into their thirties and forties! If I ever get into a situation where I could confidently say I can do a great job providing for my child, then I’ll have one or I’ll adopt!

Photo by J. Tones Photography | Click here to visit her website.